Under Construction

Please, Don't Hate This Body

You hate this body. 
If you could, you would take it out back and bury it next
to your pet parakeet.

Instead, you fill your head with numbers.
Saturated fat. Trans fat. What’s the percent? 5? Too high.
Calories? 120? Your heart rate raises like a push pop. 
So you put it down, you cut it in half, you take it out back
and bury it next to your parakeet.

You hate this body.
Layers of skin upon skin upon fat upon fat upon skin,
20,000 leagues of ocean being carried upon your back,
weighing you down and you sink slowly,
like a submarine.

You try to keep your insides clean, pure, unsaturated,
never allowing the dirt to settle. 
You count calorie for calorie like sheep before you
fall asleep, while the moon hangs low in hopes
to cut your will to starve.

You hate this body.
It is bruised and broken, tender red flesh pressed against
your thumb. You carve yourself out of air, hoping
to be blown away with the wind and away from this place,
and these calories and this piece of bread and the toilet bowl
and the scale.

You always leave something on your plate, even one bite.
A reminder to the trash of your faux strength, a reminder
you have control, that you don’t need food or that
last bite. An addiction fueled by numbers,
skin, ingredients, and bone.

But you will learn to love this body again,
and your recovery sign will be seen from the moon.
Slowly, in some way, in the slightest way, you
will learn to love this body again.

Counting numbers will lessen, you’ll put
food in your mouth without convulsing and you’ll
stop making excuses like “I’m vegan” or “I’m allergic”
and you’ll choose a mojito over red wine and you’ll
never watch your reflection swirl in the porcelain light
mosaiced with chunks of pizza and flakes of bread.

Your distorted idea of beauty will be a full belly,
filled to the brim with sun rays and joy and coffee cake.
Your soul will be so full it will spill over and you’ll lick up
every last drop.

You hate this body.
But shedding weight like feathers
will only take away your ability to fly. 

Keep going.
Keep fighting.
Keep pushing.
Keep flying.