My limbs are stretched in different directions and I change just as often as the weather. I am here and there. I am in between and outside of. I am all around. I am a reader, a blogger, a mother, a lover, a cleaner, a worker, a learner, a cook. My mind is always filled with ways to improve our lives. Make things simpler. Make things organized. Make things fun. Make things fulfilling. Make things inspiring. It is filled with writings I forget to jot down. It is filled with song lyrics. It is filled with ideas. It is filled with things I hope we do together. It is filled with things I hope to accomplish. It is filled with doubt. It is filled with the present moment.
I know some days I get lost in my own thoughts and ideas. I lose the stillness. I know there is worry within me, meshing with a constant joy I feel and sometimes the worry overrides anything else. There is this quiet, calm stress I feel throughout my body. Ready to break through at the slightest annoyance. It becomes soft tidal waves that crashes over me and tries to drown us both. Gently, silently. Like an assassin that you never saw coming.
There is this constant pressure I put on both of us to improve. Sometimes I want it all done with the snap of my fingers and sometimes I get irritated when it doesn't happen the way I want. But I know we are both trying and I know we both have skeletons to defeat and I know we are both growing. We are growing separately and we are growing together. As parents, as lovers, as people. Occasionally, we fumble and scrap our knees but we dust the dirt off one another and we get back up again. Stronger and more resilient than before.
I want you to know that I am here for you. For us. For him. I am here, even when I want things done a certain way or feel defeated when things aren't perfect or when my mind is made of fog and dust and spiderwebs. I am here and I am listening to your needs. I am still finding a balance for myself outside of motherhood, inside of motherhood, for our son, for you and week after week, I feel one is being nurtured more than others and the scales tip yet again and I collapse.
When things are falling apart, when things are messy, when things are organized, when things are beautiful, when things are busy, when things are exactly the way we could hope, when things are full of laughter, when things are full of tears, when things happen unexpectedly, I know you'll be by my side, holding my hand, and together we'll overcome. Who we are as individuals will overlap and occasionally we'll bare our teeth at one another like wolves standing our ground, but we'll always be intertwining as one and cultivating this adventure of ours, united and in love.