Honest Motherhood is a series of submissions by Mothers. These are the raw, personal, and brave truths of Motherhood and what it is to many, different women. Today’s post is from Krystal who lets us know fear is not something to be afraid of. But instead something to transform. She adopts a positive outlook from negative experiences and in turn, hopes to shower her children with love and compassion.
I spent some the most important growth and development years of my life as a ward of the state. While I was in foster-care, I was abused in every sense of the word. Raped, molested, beaten, neglected, and emotionally traumatized. Due to the abuse I suffered I had “behavioral issues” and was wildly over-medicated. They put me on simple antidepressants to strong psychotropic drugs, and everything in between. They kept my mind in a constant state of “zombie”, just so my foster parents could “deal with me”. This only added to my feelings of being nothing more than an insignificant, monthly paycheck. My state of mind is still trying to sort itself out.
The before mentioned meds created some serious chemical imbalances in my developing brain that I am still struggling to overcome today. Having said that, I am still the most outspoken, opinionated, independent woman, you should have the pleasure to know. The biggest lesson I learned is that the only person I can depend on to do what is right for me, is myself. I know it sounds cynical, but it has been a very positive thing for me. On more than one occasion I have protected myself from being victimized or used.
Another lesson I came away with, always trust my instincts. If there is “something off” about someone or a situation, you bet I pick up on it. I’ve gotten pretty good at judging a person’s character or intentions. Nine times out of ten, my ” little voice” is dead on. My advice to moms that live in fear is this: fear is healthy in moderation. We fear for a reason. We can’t let it cripple us, but allow it to tell us when something isn’t right. I still struggle with this at times, but when I find myself not able to move past it I ask for help. There is no shame in admitting you have no clue what you’re doing! Those who have gone before us didn’t know at first either. Knowing there are people out there willing to help, quiets my fears and keeps me moving on.
Maintaining a positive outlook is fairly easy for me. I just tell myself if I lived through 8 years of hell, I will live through potty-training, or whatever I’m having a hard time with. I make it a point to remind myself daily how blessed I am that I have a family. Because of internal damage caused by sexual abuse, I was told I would never be a mother. My three babies are miracles sent to me so I can right the wrongs that were done to me by ending the cycle of abuse. My children will begin to change the world for the better because I have promisedthem I will raise them with all the love, joy, and compassion I was denied. Being a newer mom, I haven’t quite got the hang of “taking care of me”. Right now I’m so over-joyed with my oh so precious little ones, it’s absolutely worth the sacrifice of looking pretty, or waking up 100% rested every morning. That is a journey I’m ok with starting another day.
For now I am perfectly content with just some chocolate and my hairy legs.